A Working Outside the Home Mom

I am a mom who works both inside and outside of the home. My job used to be full time mom which I quite enjoyed. Sure I would bitch every now and again about trying to keep a house with 5 people and 3 dogs clean and orderly. I wasn't a fan of how much time I spent in the car shuffling kids to and from after school activities but I made it work. I took joy in being the one to make them breakfast, pack their lunches and send them off to school. It was the highlight of my day the moment they came home and told me sometimes lengthy but often brief and succinct stories of their days. Now I often have to pick and choose which one of those tasks I get to participate in. I now have a full time job Monday through Friday that keeps me away from home and my family. And for what? Do I really benefit from this work I do outside my nuclear existence that grounds me and definitely makes me happiest? As I sit here at work today while my kids have the day off from school, I miss them. Working should be fulfilling. I mean to say that it should satisfy a need. I currently have the need for healthcare, a steady income, stimulation for my brain and a want to use my education for a bigger purpose. So let's evaluate my current setting to see if I am meeting those needs. Healthcare: Half my monthly paycheck is going towards my family's healthcare. Am I covered if we have a medical emergency? Yes but at what cost. I don't make enough to survive on the other half so we are currently dipping into saving. Is the income steady? Yes but again, where am I adding to my future savings or that of my kids? On the issue of brain stimulation, I am writing this at work so what do you think? If you answered she must be bored out of her mind, you would be right. It seems that once I hit the 2 month mark at most of my jobs I am no longer challenged. I really love the people I work with and the office. They are some the nicest human beings you could ever meet and call friends but I have anxiety about how much down time I am going to have to endure during those 8 hours. Here's the kicker: this seems to be my best option in terms of a "career" unless I go into work for myself since my 12 years of being a working inside of the home mom qualifies me for basically sales and customer service. Who cares that I have a graduate degree. I didn't use it and the world has moved on. These thoughts keep me up at night. Do I have a solution as to how to create a better situation for myself? Maybe. Problem is I haven't tapped into it yet. I have more ideas than I can count but don't which is the right one for me. I have so many interests but nothing has stuck yet nor been an option for a career. Does anyone else face this same challenge? What has been your solution?

Everyone is naked except me...

I am the first one to admit that I don't walk around my house naked. Its not like I am trying to hide anything or worried that my kids might see me or even that I might walk by a window and scare the shit out of the many neighbors that walk their dogs behind our house. I am just way more comfortable in my clothes and I am generally always somewhat cold so clothes provide that nice hug of warmth that I need to go about my business in the house. This tendency doesn't change no matter where I go. When I'm a guest in someone's house and the shower I use might is in a hallway, I will use a towel to get to and from my room and not risk going streaking in front of one of said house's occupants. I never feel quite safe prancing around in my birthday suit in a hotel room because, let's face it, LOTS of people other than me have a key to the room I am staying in. And then there is the gym. Even though the gym towels they provide barely cover the parts that make me a girl, I try my hardest to get out of my sweaty clothes or wet bathing suit, into the shower and then dressed again with only minimal exposure of all my body parts. I am quickly realizing that at my gym, my desire to cover up most definitely places me among the minority. In all the gyms I've ever worked or worked out at, it was rare to see anyone in the locker room above the age of 10 cavorting around naked. I've lived in LA, Atlanta, Austin and parts of Florida and never really experienced quite the freedom to which the Boulder gym clientele feel while moving about the locker room. In fact, in my former Florida residence, one of my closest friends refused to use our gym's locker room because she once went in there to use the bathroom and while coming out of a toilet stall, as she recalled, encountered "full on bush" from an older woman who was apparently in the process of being coached by her water aerobic friends that she needed to cover up after her shower and not parade her 80 year old body around for all to see. When I'm 80, if I'm still rockin' the body this lady was, I will walk around the MEN's locker room naked. The truth is the nudity in the locker rooms has never really bothered me. I can even find it inspiring and enlightening that all body types feel comfortable enough to be in their natural state around others. But doesn't anyone else feel like modesty should come back into fashion these days? Why does it feel like everyone is naked except me? Is everyone else really that comfortable with the state of their body that they are open to it being looked at by strangers or the woman you do burpees next to each week in the cardio class which is perhaps even worse since you now have some sort of causal relationship. Like I said, other people's nudity doesn't make me cringe so maybe I should take their lead and give it a try. But what you will never see me do is the shit that would make my friend back in FL run screaming back home. It is the women that stand around and have a 15 minute conversation with their friend while in the buff. Really? Neither one of you feel self conscious or is it more of a dare to see who will cave first and put on some underwear. It is the woman who decides she needs to do everything from lotioning up, drying her hair, putting on her make up and taking a cell phone call all while her towel is being used as a bath mat instead of a bathrobe. I get it, gym room locker floors are gross, but you are better off putting your mascara on AFTER you have already pulled a shirt over your head! My favorite is the woman who props her leg up on the counter and proceeds to shave her legs by the sink. I wash my hands in that same sink you are putting your feet: I'm not cool with that! I guess this could be all my issue and I am just behind the times, but I am going to continue to use the locker room as a simple transition zone. I go in there in order to get out of there with as minimal exposure of my butt and boobs as possible. And maybe I will remain in the minority or perhaps all the cool kids will become modest like me. Take a gander in the men's locker room in 40 years and you might just find out.

Starting again

Today I realized that I REALLY need to start getting my thoughts out again. Hopefully with some humor mixed in with a little spice and at times a dash of serious. Back in the day when life was simple with only 2 kids and a husband who worked full time, I began this blog in hopes of letting go of some of the feelings of worthlessness that accompany being a stay at home mom. I truly wish I had know what was coming down the pipeline so I could tell myself to chill the hell out but alas, who does? We are all driving blind in this world, trying to do our best, and sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. In my case, I am positive that this is NOT the path I wanted my life to take but I choose to take the good with the bad, make some sweet ass cookies out of these random life ingredients (because making lemons out of lemonade is too cliche) and laugh along the way. This blog is dedicated to my random thoughts as I attempt to be a mom, wife, bread winner, housekeeper, athlete, baker and still find time to shower. I hope to write on a regular basis about things that make me laugh, topics that concern me and general questions that I can't seem to solve. I can't wait to write about my first topic tomorrow: locker room etiquette! A warning, this shit is going to get real and by getting real I mean I don't understand the habits of naked women walking around public locker rooms like its their own personal bathroom. Be forewarned: I'm going to be mentioning boobs, tampons and pubic hair so if you're squeamish, you might want to skip this one! Until tomorrow....

It seems like funny things happen to me when my 2 little boys go to bed and my husband retreats to whichever room suits his fancy each night. Usually I raid the pantry looking for something...anything...that contains even a fraction of an ounce of chocolate. Then I change the channel on the tv to something that is not animated or reporting on something ending in "ball." Hell, I could watch HSN as long as they don't try and tell me how to get rid of my wrinkles or shrink my waist line. As the night moves on and the dishes don't magically clean themselves, I try and will myself to walk up the stairs, slip into a sexy negligee, make passionate love to my husband and then get at least 8 hours of sleep. Instead, I usually fall asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes, wake up in a complete stupor and stumble up to bed. But on nights such as tonight, I am reminded of the woman I used to be before the words "mom" and "wife" referred to anyone other than the sweet and amazing being that gave birth to me. I am actually inspired to use my brain and create a world of just me. That is to say, I can't quite shake the influence of everything that hugs me each day, but I can give back to myself and know that I am not just mommy but heather. Who heather is, at age 34, is yet to be seen...